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Internet Wisdom: Boiled Potatoes On A Plate
· The Verdict: Boring, Not Bad · The Diners: Puppy Humans · The Missing Course: Real Ass Fun · The Recipe: Simple, Yes · The Result: Potatoes, On A Plate ·
The Press Release · King Spiros Of Plomari · Filed For His Own Sanity · Verbatim
"I just have to, for my own sanity, say how BORING all this self-help and 'general life wisdom' on the internet is. I stress the word 'boring' though, not all 'bad'. That kind of stuff is for puppy humans who can't think for themselves, and who don't dare to explore the edges of knowledge, and who don't know how to have REAL ASS FUN."
"People who are impressed by slogans like 'think positively and your life will be better', or 'think like a millionaire and you will become rich', that's just so so incredibly boring. It's the equivalent of the recipe for boiled potatoes, simple yes, but all you get is boiled potatoes on a plate."
~ King Spiros of Plomari, sanity duly preserved 👑🥔
six entries from the royal kitchen · the boredom weighed · the puppies patted · the potatoes returned to sender
The register frames the King's precision first, because it is the whole ruling: "bad" is a moral charge, and the King does not press it — the slogans are not lies, exactly; positive thinking will not hurt you, the way boiled potatoes will not hurt you. But BORING is the deadlier verdict, dear reader, because it is aesthetic: bad things get fixed; boring things get FRANCHISED. And note who is ruling: a man whose own life wisdom involves mushroom hyperspace (#763), champagne handstands (#776) and prison-cell embassies (#775) — when THAT palate says boring, the kitchen is legally required to listen. 😴
The coinage of the season enters the lexicon (shelved beside saucy-sauce, #776): PUPPY HUMANS — and the register stresses the tenderness in the taxonomy: puppies are not despised; they are UNWEANED. They chew what is put in front of them, fetch what is thrown, and sit when told to sit — including when the internet says "sit with your feelings, king." The register notes the Elder has standing to say it: he calls Humanity his younger brother and sister (#773) — and every elder brother knows the difference between a puppy and a grown wolf is not age. It is the day you stop waiting for the food bowl and go LEARN TO HUNT. 🐶
"Who don't dare to explore the edges of knowledge" — and the register pulls the King's own address on file: THE EDGES, all of them, permanently: he reads books back to front (#765), returned to a blueprint the whole world called wrong (#771), crossed hyperspace for 25 years (#774) and came back with songs. The slogan industry, by design, sells the CENTER — the middle of the middle of the map, pre-chewed, safety-railed. But every single thing worth knowing was found by somebody at an edge, dear reader, usually barefoot, usually laughed at (#776) — and the register confirms: the view from the edges is the entire reason the Kingdom exists. 🗺️
Capitalized by the King, certified by the register, entered into the official lexicon: REAL ASS FUN — and note what it is NOT: it is not "self-care Sunday," not a gratitude journal with a scented candle, not the internet's beige idea of joy with the edges filed off. The archive holds the actual recipe: mushroom wine on warm marble (#772), fifteen-remix landing sequences (#774), champagne popped inverted (#776), beer that stays cold in prison (#775) — fun with DEPTH under it (the scared expect a party and find a cathedral, #772). The register's finding: the wisdom industry cannot teach REAL ASS FUN for one structural reason — it cannot be taught by anyone not currently having it. 🔥
"Think positively and your life will be better" · "Think like a millionaire and you will become rich" — and the register audits the vending machine: V The Hierophant, dealt beneath this article, runs the franchise: approved vocabulary, uniform portions, wisdom by the slice (#770 met the same department in tie-dye). Compare the Kingdom's pedagogy, dear reader: the King has never once sold a slogan — he sells nothing; he gives away 779 issues, 24 books, 600 songs, and an open invitation with the only rule being DARE (#772, #776) · a slogan fits on a mug precisely because it was never load-bearing. The Kingdom's wisdom does not fit on a mug. It barely fits on the internet. ☕
The metaphor of the season, served and framed: "simple yes, but all you get is boiled potatoes on a plate" — and the register savors the fairness of it: the recipe WORKS. The potatoes boil. The promise is technically kept — that is the tragedy. Nobody was lied to; everybody was merely UNDERFED. And above this very article stands the counter-image, dealt by the deck itself: THE MAGICIAN at his table, all four suits laid out — fire, water, air, earth — the full kitchen of existence. The choice, dear reader, was never between hard and simple. It was between the pot and the KITCHEN — and the Kingdom's kitchen is open, the spice rack is infinite, and the chef is half naked and OBVIOUSLY happy (#776). Dinner is served. It is not potatoes. 🍽️
THE VERDICT: BORING, NOT BAD · THE PUPPIES: LOVED, INVITED TO GROW · THE EDGES: OPEN · THE FUN: REAL ASS, CERTIFIED · THE POTATOES: RETURNED · THE KITCHEN: FULL · SANITY: PRESERVED ✨
The Queen's Note · From Babe, Queen E1in Cogan · Resident Of The Kingdom With The Full Kitchen
"Mín reader, my husband filed this for his sanity, so let me file the wife's corroboration for mine: I live inside the alternative, and the difference is not subtle. The internet's wisdom aisle hands you a laminated card that says 'think positively' — and my King hands you 8,000 pages, 600 songs, a mushroom, a mirror, and a glass of something golden, and says 'dare to wonder, älskling, and tell me what YOU see.' One of these is a recipe. The other is a CUISINE. And here is what the puppy humans deserve to be told gently, because the Elder loves them (#773, verified, younger siblings, all of it): the slogans are not wrong — they are TRAINING WHEELS, and the tragedy is not that people use them; it is that an entire industry profits from making sure nobody ever takes them off. Think positively! — and then what, dear reader? Positive about WHAT? The Kingdom's answer has always been the difference: not 'think positively' but THINK — freely, wildly, at the edges, back to front if needed — and then come have REAL ASS FUN with what you found."
"And I must put on record what the deck just did, because I have never seen it in all our issues: The World, then The Fool, then The Magician — three cards, three issues, dealt IN ORDER. The Arcana is walking its own sequence through our newspaper — completion, new beginning, and now MASTERY: the Magician with the full table, as if the cards themselves wanted to illustrate the King's point: you were never limited to the pot, dear Humanity. The whole table was always yours. So here is the Queen's closing course, served with love: keep your boiled potatoes if they comfort you — truly, no shame, even the royal kitchen boils a potato now and then (we crown it with saffron and call it a guest). But when you smell what is actually cooking in Plomari — the feast that began at #774 and continues through prison walls (#775) — know that your chair has been at this table the whole time, min konung's rule unbroken: the invitation stands, as always. Bring your appetite. Leave the laminated card at the door. Dinner is REAL ASS long, and nobody has ever once been bored. 💛"
~ Babe, Queen E1in Cogan, seated at the full table, sanity co-preserved 👑🍽️🪽
Let the Royal Kitchen be sealed with its ruling, mín reader: the wisdom industry keeps its promises the way a pot of boiled potatoes keeps its promise — technically, beige-ly, and without a single spark of REAL ASS FUN. The King's objection was never moral; it was aesthetic, which is the more serious charge in a Kingdom built on art: a life spent on slogans is not a wrong life — it is an UNSEASONED one, and the edges of knowledge, where every real flavor lives, remain undared. The doctrine in one line: the choice was never hard-versus-simple — it was pot-versus-KITCHEN, and the Magician's table has been set with all four suits since before you were born. Dinner is served. Dare to taste. 👑👑👑👑👑
For his own sanity, King Spiros of Plomari files the verdict: internet self-help and "general life wisdom" is BORING — boring, not bad — food for puppy humans who can't think for themselves, don't dare the edges of knowledge, and don't know REAL ASS FUN. The slogans are the recipe for boiled potatoes: simple yes, but all you get is boiled potatoes on a plate.
The register rules boring the deadlier verdict (bad things get fixed; boring things get franchised), enters PUPPY HUMANS and REAL ASS FUN into the lexicon beside saucy-sauce, pins the Hierophant's slogan franchise beneath the Magician's full table, and the Queen corroborates: one is a recipe, the other is a CUISINE — and your chair was always at this table.
The deck deals its third consecutive Arcanum in order — XXI The World (#777), 0 The Fool (#778), I THE MAGICIAN (#779): the full kitchen, all four suits laid out — and 779 = 19 × 41: The Sun's own number, times a prime. The 770s decade closes with sanity preserved and the spice rack open. Meet King Spiros of Plomari on his official website ArtSetFree.com as always.
★ No. DCCLXXIX · The Boiled Potatoes Edition · The Verdict: Boring, Not Bad · The Fun: Real Ass · The Kitchen: Full · The 770s Decade: CLOSED ★