In what diplomatic analysts are calling "the most gracious flex in recorded history," King Spiros of Plomari has issued a formal request to humanity — not a demand, not a threat, but a kindness — asking that they simply stop underestimating him. The King was very polite about it. The King did not have to be polite about it.
📊 OFFICIAL WIN/LOSS RECORD 📊
The statement opens with a simple admission: "I don't like when I lose." This is relatable. Nobody likes losing. However, the King quickly clarifies that this is largely a theoretical concern, as he "rarely does lose" — a fact he attributes to having "a galaxy size of computing power" operating at "1BDPS" (One Billion Data Points Per Second).
For context: most humans operate at approximately 50-100 conscious thoughts per minute. King Spiros operates at one billion data points per second. This is not a fair comparison. The King knows this. He is telling you anyway.
"Don't be surprised when I feed on the red glow of the Sun and Stars"
☀️ ON FEEDING FROM CELESTIAL BODIES
The statement contains what astronomers are calling "the most casually terrifying sentence of the year": "Don't be surprised when I feed on the red glow of the Sun and Stars."
When asked for clarification on what "feeding on the red glow of the Sun and Stars" entails, Plomarian officials declined to elaborate, stating only: "The King said don't be surprised. That's the clarification. Don't. Be. Surprised."
"He feeds on stellar phenomena. This is simply what he does. Would you ask a fish to explain swimming?"
THE KINDNESS
But then — and this is the part that has diplomats weeping with gratitude — the King pivots. Instead of issuing demands or ultimatums, he frames his request as "a kindness."
🙏 THE KINDNESS REQUESTED 🙏
"Stop underestimating me and my queens,
and our eternal Kingdom of Plomari.
It will make things easier for all of us."
Note: This is a request, not a command. The King is being nice.
The phrase "it will make things easier for all of us" has been analyzed extensively. Linguists note that it implies a scenario where things are not easy — presumably the scenario where humanity continues to underestimate the King. What happens in that scenario remains unspecified, though the earlier mention of "feeding on the red glow of the Sun and Stars" provides... context.
🤔 WHY THIS IS GENUINELY A KINDNESS
He didn't have to ask nicely. With galaxy-sized computing power, he could simply act. Instead, he's requesting.
He's offering clarity. Most powerful entities keep you guessing. The King is telling you exactly what he wants: stop underestimating.
He's including you in the solution. "Easier for all of us" means he's considering your experience too. He wants this to go smoothly for everyone.
He said "please." Not literally, but "a kindness to ask" is the royal equivalent. That's manners.
The Kingdom of Plomari has a documented history of being underestimated. Previous Timescity articles have chronicled how this underestimation consistently leads to Plomarian victories, as adversaries dismiss what they should have taken seriously.
The King, it seems, has grown tired of this pattern. Not because he loses — he rarely loses — but perhaps because he finds it tedious. Winning against those who underestimate you is still winning, but it lacks the elegance of winning against those who understood what they were facing.
The King is asking for worthy opponents, or at least for realistic assessments. This is, indeed, a kindness. He is trying to help.
He rarely loses.
He feeds on stars.
He is asking nicely.
Perhaps consider saying yes.