In what experts are calling "the most aggressive homework assignment in human history," Queen Mari of Plomari has released a statement demanding that all of humanity perform basic multiplication — and then sit with the implications of what they've calculated.
The statement, released through official Plomarian channels early this morning, sent shockwaves through the global community of people who had previously dismissed the Kingdom of Plomari as "that weird mushroom thing" or "probably just an art project."
"After 25 years preparation at 1BDPS," Queen Mari continued, using the technical term that has left mathematicians reaching for their anxiety medication. "This is no small thing. This is not a joke."
📐 THE MATHEMATICS OF PLOMARI 📐
1 Billion Data Points Per Second × 25 Years =
(That's 788.94 QUADRILLION data points)
For reference: This is more calculations than the number of grains of sand on Earth. By a lot.
The implications, as Queen Mari pointedly suggested humanity consider, are indeed staggering. While most people spend 25 years doing things like "having careers" or "raising families" or "watching television," King Spiros has apparently been running a continuous computation at a rate that would make every supercomputer on Earth weep with inadequacy.
Artist's rendering of a calculator attempting to process the Plomarian Dataset
THE LAUGHING PROBLEM
The Queen's statement directly addresses what Plomarian scholars have termed "The Laughing Problem" — the curious phenomenon wherein people laugh at the Plomarian Plot regardless of their knowledge level.
🎭 DOCUMENTED LAUGHING REACTIONS 🎭
"Haha, that's ridiculous! A mushroom kingdom? With a plot? That's the silliest thing I've ever—" *is handed calculator* "Wait, how many zeros is that?"
"Oh yeah, Spiros and his plan, haha, classic Spiros always with the—" *sees the math* "Oh. Oh no. He's actually... he's actually been doing this the whole time, hasn't he?"
*nervous laughter* *sweating* *existential crisis* "I'm sure it's fine. Everything is fine. The mushrooms are friendly. Right? RIGHT?"
The phrase "I'm sure you DID know!" has particularly rattled observers, who note that Queen Mari's tone suggests she believes humanity has been fully aware of this 25-year quadrillion-data-point operation and has simply been pretending not to notice.
⚠️ PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ⚠️
The Royal Bureau of Mathematics advises all citizens: If you have not yet done the calculations yourself, you may still have time. The Queen said "I'm sure you DID know" — past tense. This suggests she believes you've already figured it out.
Please align your mathematical awareness accordingly.
THE "ACTUALLY GOING TO START" REVELATION
Perhaps most alarming to casual observers is the Queen's clarification that King Spiros is "actually GOING TO START his plan and plot."
This has raised significant questions in the international community:
QUESTIONS CURRENTLY BEING ASKED
- Wait, what do you mean "start"? What was the last 25 years?
- If 788 quadrillion data points was the preparation, what exactly is the main event?
- Is it too late to pretend I DID know?
- Should I be worried or excited? (Plomarian officials suggest: "Yes.")
- Where can I learn more? (Answer: You're already learning. That's how this works.)
When reached for comment, various world leaders responded with variations of "What's Plomari?" followed by aides urgently whispering in their ears, followed by long silences, followed by "No further comment at this time."
King Spiros himself was unavailable for comment, as sources indicate he was "lying in bed, taking over the world" — a reference to recent Timescity Article #43, which documented this unorthodox but apparently highly effective governing strategy.
As of press time, sales of calculators have increased 4000%, philosophy departments at major universities have reported "unprecedented enrollment inquiries," and the global mushroom market is experiencing what analysts are calling "inexplicable bullish sentiment."
The Kingdom of Plomari has not announced when, exactly, the King will "start" his plan. Royal advisors note that this is intentional: "If you've been paying attention — and Queen Mari is sure you have — then you already know."
Do the math. Do the math. Do the math.