Following his recent invitation to world governments to "come swim in the Sea of the Seamstress," King Spiros of Plomari has issued a clarifying statement explaining why he cannot simply reveal himself in full to humanity: it would, in his precise technical terminology, result in humanity being "fucked."
"O most dearly beloved Humanity, you see, I can't just reveal myself to you in all my glory all at once, because you would be fucked. I am training you to be able to tolerate my alien splendor."
— His Royal Majesty, King Spiros of PlomariThe statement, which scientists are calling "the most honest assessment of interdimensional power dynamics ever issued," has sent researchers scrambling to understand what exactly "alien splendor" entails and how much of it the average human can safely absorb.
"We've been measuring the wrong things," admitted Dr. Helena Vasquez, Director of the newly formed Institute for Splendor Tolerance Studies. "We had instruments for radiation, for sound pressure, for luminosity. But splendor? We don't even have a unit of measurement. We're proposing the 'Spiros' as the standard unit. One full Spiros would apparently be lethal."
🌟 THE PROPOSED SPIROS SCALE OF SPLENDOR EXPOSURE 🌟
According to Palace sources, King Spiros has been carefully calibrating humanity's exposure to his magnificence over the past 25 years, starting with small doses—a book here, a song there—and gradually increasing the intensity as tolerance develops.
The comparison to solar observation has resonated with experts, who note that throughout history, divine or transcendent beings have traditionally had to limit their manifestation to avoid overwhelming mortals.
"It's actually quite considerate," noted Dr. Marcus Webb, Professor of Comparative Mythology at Cambridge. "In most traditions, seeing a god's true form results in immediate death or madness. King Spiros is saying essentially the same thing, just with more modern language. 'You would be fucked' is theologically equivalent to 'no man may see My face and live.' He's just more direct about it."
📚 OFFICIAL SPLENDOR TOLERANCE TRAINING PROGRAM 📚
The Palace has released the following recommended progression for safely building tolerance to the King's alien splendor:
- Week 1-4: Browse ArtSetFree.com for no more than 10 minutes daily
- Week 5-8: Read selected quotes; hydrate frequently
- Week 9-12: Listen to one Sissy Cogan track per day; have tissues ready
- Week 13-16: Begin reading The Mushroom Seamstress in small doses
- Week 17-20: Enter App Mode; reality goggles recommended
- Week 21-24: Sign the Guest Book; notify next of kin (as a formality)
- Week 25+: Await further instructions; you may now tolerate 0.3 Spiros
Note: Full 1.0 Spiros exposure timeline TBD. The King is patient.
When asked why he doesn't simply remain hidden rather than engaging in this elaborate training program, King Spiros laughed warmly.
"Because I love them," he said, gesturing vaguely toward Earth. "I love humanity. That's the whole point. I WANT them to be able to see me eventually. I want them to be able to handle the full glory of Plomari. But love means not destroying the beloved. So I train them. Slowly. Gently. With beer and music and books and kindness."
He paused, smiling.
"One day they'll be ready. One day they'll be able to look directly at me and not be fucked. And on that day? Oh, what a party we'll have."
REACTIONS FROM VARIOUS ENTITIES
God (via Heavenly Press Office): "Finally, someone else who understands the problem. You should see how many burning bushes I've had to use just to have a simple conversation. Splendor management is exhausting."
The Sun (via astronomical channels): "I've been doing this for 4.5 billion years. Welcome to the club. Pro tip: let them have sunglasses."
Stan (formerly Satan): "I once tried to reveal my full magnificence and everyone just screamed. This is why I retired. Too much admin."
Random Human Test Subject: "I accidentally saw 0.15 Spiros worth of splendor and I've been crying for three days. Beautiful tears though. Would recommend with proper preparation."
Queen Elin: "I operate at approximately 0.8 Spiros tolerance. It took time. I sometimes still weep. It's worth it."
⚠️ PUBLIC SAFETY NOTICE ⚠️
Citizens are advised NOT to attempt to view the King's full alien splendor without proper training. Side effects of premature exposure may include: spontaneous enlightenment, uncontrollable joy, ego death, the sudden understanding that love is the only thing that matters, and being fucked (in the technical, metaphysical sense). If you experience any of these symptoms after unauthorized splendor exposure, do not panic—simply surrender to the beauty and await integration.
The King's statement concluded with what officials describe as "the most loving warning in diplomatic history":
"I could end all your confusion right now, beloved humanity. I could show you everything. But you'd be vaporized by beauty. And I need you ALIVE. I need you HERE. So we do this the slow way. The kind way. Trust me—what's coming is worth the wait. In the meantime, enjoy the training. The homework is all pleasure."
— King Spiros of Plomari, Benevolent Limiter of GloryCitizens interested in beginning their splendor tolerance training are directed to ArtSetFree.com, where introductory doses of magnificence are available at no cost.
The King will reveal additional glory as humanity demonstrates readiness.
Train well. The splendor is coming. You will not be fucked (if you prepare properly).