Breaking news from Stockholm today, where the Swedish Government has issued what may be the most unusual official complaint in the history of parliamentary democracy. The complaint is not about taxes. Not about defense spending. Not about immigration or healthcare or climate policy. The complaint is about ONE MAN. And the complaint is that he WRITES TOO FAST. The Swedish Government — the entire apparatus of state, with its ministries and departments and filing cabinets and coffee machines — has officially admitted that it cannot keep up with King Spiros of Plomari. Not militarily. Not economically. Not politically. In READING SPEED. They cannot READ as fast as he WRITES. This is Article 208. The Official Complaint.
"We must complain, as Government, that King Spiros of Plomari writes quicker than we can read. We cannot keep up with his pace even in writing or reading, and even less in the structure of his Kingdom of Plomari's "Plot and Plan" as he calls it. We are unsure about what King Spiros will do next, and this is very dangerous for the well-being of Humanity. But, eh, he's drinking a beer right now, so, let's first let him do that."
— ANDERS SVENSSON, SWEDISH GOVERNMENT —
THE OFFICIAL COMPLAINT
"We
must
complain,
as
Government..."
They
MUST.
Not
"we
would
like
to."
Not
"we
wish
to."
They
MUST.
It's
compulsory.
The
entire
Swedish Government
is
COMPELLED
to
file
a
complaint
about
a
man
who
writes books.
Not
bombs.
Books.
22
of
them.
4,000
pages.
And
counting.
"We must complain, as Government." Let us pause on this. The Government of Sweden has been brought to its knees — not by a foreign power, not by an economic crisis, not by a natural disaster — but by a MAN WITH A PEN. And what is the nature of their complaint? That he writes too FAST. Not that he writes dangerous things. Not that he writes lies. Not that he incites violence. That he writes TOO QUICKLY. The Swedish Government, with all its departments and analysts and intelligence services, has essentially admitted: "We are slower than one man with a beer and a keyboard." This is perhaps the greatest compliment any government has ever given any writer in the history of civilization.
WRITES QUICKER THAN WE CAN READ
"King
Spiros
of
Plomari
writes quicker
than
we
can
read."
Quicker.
QUICKER.
He
PRODUCES
faster
than
a
government
can
CONSUME.
Think
about
that.
An
entire
government
with
hundreds
of
employees,
thousands
of
analysts,
millions
in
budget—
CANNOT
READ
as
fast
as
ONE MAN
WRITES.
One
man.
With
a
beer.
Outpacing
an
entire
nation-state.
"King Spiros of Plomari writes quicker than we can read." Read that again. An ENTIRE GOVERNMENT cannot read as fast as one man writes. They have buildings full of people whose JOB it is to read things. Analysts, secretaries, intelligence officers, interns — rooms and rooms of humans with university degrees and taxpayer-funded salaries — and they CANNOT KEEP UP with one man in Plomari who drinks beer and stares at the Sun. The Swedish Government has more employees than King Spiros has PAGES. And they STILL can't keep up. This is not a complaint. This is a CONFESSION. The Government of Sweden has confessed, in writing, that it is slower than a King with a pen.
THE PLOT AND PLAN
"...and
even
less
in
the
structure
of
his
Kingdom's
'Plot and Plan'
as
he
calls
it."
Even
LESS.
They
can't
read
fast
enough.
And
they
REALLY
can't
understand
the
STRUCTURE.
The
Plot and Plan.
The
architecture
of
Plomari.
The
Spider-Web
of
connections.
The
4,000 pages
of
interwoven
mythology.
They
can't
even
BEGIN
to
map
it.
A
government
that
runs
a
country
cannot
understand
the
structure
of
a
Kingdom
built
by
one man.
"And even less in the structure of his Kingdom of Plomari's 'Plot and Plan' as he calls it." THIS is the part that truly terrifies them. It's not just the speed. It's the ARCHITECTURE. The Plot and Plan. The Plomarian Spider-Web. 22 books, 4,000 pages, hundreds of articles, music, radio stations, art, mythology, numerology — all interconnected. All threaded together with the precision of a spider who has been weaving for millennia. They can't read fast enough, and even when they DO read, they can't understand the STRUCTURE. It's like trying to map the nervous system of a god. Every thread leads to another thread. Every number means something. Every article references five others. The Government of Sweden has admitted that a man with a beer has built something more complex than their entire bureaucracy.
VERY DANGEROUS FOR THE WELL-BEING OF HUMANITY
"We
are
unsure
about
what
King
Spiros
will
do
next..."
Unsure.
UNSURE.
The
Government
doesn't
KNOW
what
he'll
do
next.
The
intelligence
agencies
don't
know.
The
analysts
don't
know.
Nobody
knows.
"...and
this
is
very
dangerous
for
the
well-being
of
Humanity."
DANGEROUS.
A
man
who
writes books
is
dangerous
for
Humanity.
Not
nuclear
weapons.
Not
climate
change.
Not
poverty.
A
WRITER.
With
a
BEER.
"We are unsure about what King Spiros will do next, and this is very dangerous for the well-being of Humanity." DANGEROUS. They used the word DANGEROUS. A man sitting in his kingdom, writing books, drinking beer, staring at the Sun, playing music for the whole world on his radio station — DANGEROUS. Not nuclear weapons. Not pandemics. Not dictators with armies. A WRITER. A writer with a beer and a Spider-Web of mythology is what the Swedish Government considers "very dangerous for the well-being of Humanity." If that isn't the greatest review any author has ever received, nothing is. "We cannot keep up with him and we don't know what he'll do next." That's not a government complaint. That's a BOOK REVIEW. Five stars. From the Swedish Government. In the form of a terrified press release.
HE'S DRINKING A BEER RIGHT NOW
"But,
eh..."
Eh.
EH.
The
Swedish Government
said
"eh."
In
an
official
statement.
"...he's
drinking
a
beer
right
now..."
They
KNOW
what
he's
drinking.
They're
watching.
And
what
they
see
is
a
man
with
a
beer.
"...so,
let's
first
let
him
do that."
LET
him.
LET
him.
The
Government
has
decided
to
LET
the
King
finish
his
beer.
How
generous
of
them.
How
very
kind.
They
will
ALLOW
the
man
who
outpaces
their
entire
nation
to
finish
his
beverage.
Thank
you,
Government.
Very
cool.
"But, eh, he's drinking a beer right now, so, let's first let him do that." AND HERE IT IS. The punchline. The government of Sweden, after describing King Spiros as "very dangerous for the well-being of Humanity," decides that the appropriate course of action is to... WAIT. Wait for him to finish his beer. "Eh." They said "EH." In an official government statement. The Swedish Government used the word "eh" while discussing a man they consider dangerous to all of Humanity. And their policy response? Their strategic decision? Their grand plan? "Let's first let him do that." LET him drink his beer. The man they can't outread, can't out-think, can't predict, and can't understand — they will ALLOW him to drink his beer. As if they had a choice. As if the King needs PERMISSION from the Swedish Government to drink a beer and stare at the Sun.
INTERNAL MEMO — CLASSIFIED
To: All Departments
From: Anders Svensson
Re: The Plomari Situation
"After extensive analysis, we have concluded the following:
1. King Spiros has written 22 books totaling 4,000 pages. Our reading department is currently on page 340.
2. He publishes Timescity articles faster than we can file the paperwork to REQUEST them. We are now 71 articles behind.
3. His 'Plot and Plan' appears to be a self-referencing web of mythology, numerology, and satire that our best analysts describe as 'incomprehensible but oddly beautiful.'
4. He has a radio station that plays in bars across the world. We do not have a radio station.
5. He is currently drinking a beer.
Recommendation: Let him finish the beer. Reconvene Tuesday."
— CLASSIFIED — SWEDISH GOVERNMENT — PLOMARI TASK FORCE —
The classified memo reveals the full extent of the crisis. The Swedish Government's reading department — yes, they apparently HAVE a reading department — is on page 340 out of 4,000. They are 71 articles behind on Timescity. Their best analysts have described the Plot and Plan as "incomprehensible but oddly beautiful," which is perhaps the most honest thing any government analyst has ever said about anything. And the final, devastating detail: "He has a radio station that plays in bars across the world. We do not have a radio station." The Swedish Government does not have a radio station. King Spiros does. The man with the beer has a global broadcasting network and the entire nation of Sweden does not. Recommendation: Let him finish the beer. Reconvene Tuesday. THIS is governance in the age of Plomari.
QUEEN ELIN'S COMMENTARY
Oh,
Anders.
Dear,
sweet
Anders Svensson.
You
poor
man.
You
walked
into
work
on
a
Monday morning,
opened
your
folder,
and
found
seventeen new articles
you
hadn't
read
yet.
You
called
a
meeting.
The
meeting
lasted
three hours.
In
those
three
hours,
my
King
wrote
two more.
You
are
not
fighting
a
man,
Anders.
You
are
fighting
a
FREQUENCY.
You
cannot
outread
a
frequency.
You
cannot
outfile
a
frequency.
You
cannot
out-bureaucratize
a
man
who
turns
beer
into
mythology.
My
advice?
Pour
yourself
a
beer,
Anders.
Sit
down.
And
enjoy the music.
Plomari
Radio
Free
is
playing
right
now.
Even
in
Stockholm.
❤
"We must complain, as Government, that King Spiros of Plomari writes quicker than we can read. We cannot keep up with his pace even in writing or reading, and even less in the structure of his Kingdom of Plomari's 'Plot and Plan' as he calls it. We are unsure about what King Spiros will do next, and this is very dangerous for the well-being of Humanity. But, eh, he's drinking a beer right now, so, let's first let him do that."
— Anders Svensson, Swedish Government — Article 208
ARTICLE 208
THE OFFICIAL COMPLAINT
The Government cannot
read fast enough.
The Government cannot
understand the Plot and Plan.
The Government doesn't know
what the King will do next.
The Government thinks this
is dangerous.
The Government's solution?
"Let him finish his beer."
2+0+8 = 10 = 1.
The leader. The pioneer.
One man. One beer. One government in panic.
Recommendation: Reconvene Tuesday.
PLOMARI ALWAYS WINS.
LONG LIVE THE BEER.
LONG LIVE THE PLOT AND PLAN.
LONG LIVE PLOMARI.
THE KING IS STILL DRINKING HIS BEER
The Government is still on page 340.
They have requested additional funding
for their reading department.
Request: Denied.
Reason: Budget allocated to Plomari Radio Free.
— Timescity Newspaper —
Article 208. The Official Complaint.