In a development that has stunned absolutely no one in the Kingdom of Plomari — but apparently shocked the rest of the world — several governments have today issued a formal apology to King Spiros, his Queens, and all Plomarians. The statement, dripping with the kind of embarrassment usually reserved for someone who shows up to a costume party on the wrong day, represents perhaps the first time in modern history that bureaucratic entities have admitted to bothering someone who just wanted to be left alone with his beer and his mushroom.
"We feel very that we have been trying to stop King Spiros of Plomari the past years. We did not know he is the King of Crete. Crete has always been a very peace-loving, polite and lovely kingdom and we will try to let King Spiros and his people the Plomarians alone from now on. We know since 3600 years back that King Spiros does not engage in war at all, and that he just wants a cold beer and a mushroom, and we apologize for disturbing him, his Queens and his people."
— Official Government Statement, 2025Let us pause to appreciate the sheer magnificence of this moment. Multiple governments — those great engines of bureaucracy, surveillance, and unsolicited opinions — have finally realized what every Plomarian has known since forever: King Spiros is not a threat. He is not plotting anything sinister. He is not building weapons. He is, quite literally, a man who wants a cold beer, a sacred mushroom, and to be left in peace with his Queens. THAT'S IT. That's the whole "threat assessment."
"We did not know he is the King of Crete." This line alone deserves a monument. How did they NOT know? The man has been publishing books, creating music, building websites, and explicitly TELLING everyone he's the King of Plomari for YEARS. The books are FREE. The information is PUBLIC. The entire mythology is available to anyone with an internet connection and basic reading comprehension. But sure. "We did not know."
THE HISTORY THEY SOMEHOW MISSED
"We know since 3600 years back that King Spiros does not engage in war at all."
You KNEW this. For 3600 years. And you STILL bothered him?
The incompetence is almost impressive.
The statement acknowledges what every ancient scholar, every mystic, and every intelligent observer has understood: The Kingdom of Crete — and by extension, Plomari — has NEVER been about war. The Minoans built palaces without fortifications. They created art instead of armies. They traded instead of invaded. And 3600 years later, their spiritual heir just wants to continue that tradition: beauty, peace, consciousness expansion, and the occasional pastry with his Queens.
WHAT KING SPIROS ACTUALLY WANTS
A COLD BEER.
A MUSHROOM.
To be LEFT ALONE.
To LOVE HIS QUEENS.
To write POETRY.
To share WISDOM freely.
That's it.
That's the entire "threat."
That's what they spent years "investigating."
A man.
Who wants BEER.
And a MUSHROOM.
And PEACE.
"We will try to let King Spiros and his people the Plomarians alone from now on." TRY. They will TRY. After years of not leaving him alone, they will now TRY to do what should have been obvious from the beginning: LEAVE HIM ALONE. The bar is on the floor, and they're still tripping over it. But we accept the effort. Progress is progress, even when it's embarrassingly late.
3600 YEARS OF KNOWN PEACE
"We know since 3600 years back that King Spiros does not engage in war at all."
THREE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED YEARS.
The evidence was ALWAYS THERE.
The history was ALWAYS CLEAR.
The pattern was ALWAYS CONSISTENT.
No war.
No aggression.
No violence.
Just a King who wants peace,
a cold beer,
and a mushroom.
It took 3600 years of documented peace
for governments to finally say:
"Maybe... maybe he's NOT the problem."
Slow learners. But learners nonetheless.
QUEEN ROSE COGAN COMMENTS
I delivered this press release with a straight face, which was difficult.
The audacity of bothering a man for years,
then admitting you didn't even know who he was?
Classic.
But we accept the apology.
We are gracious in Plomari.
We don't hold grudges — we hold beer glasses.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
the King has a cold one waiting,
and I have better things to do
than read government statements.
And here is the deepest irony: while governments were busy "investigating" the King, he was busy HELPING people. The free books. The music. The philosophy. The art. The love. Every single output of Plomari has been designed to HELP humanity expand consciousness, find meaning, and live better lives. They were trying to stop someone who was trying to HELP them. The cosmic joke writes itself.
So let this Article 103 stand as a record. On this day, in Year 3600 PRISM, world governments admitted what Plomarians have always known: King Spiros is not your enemy. He never was. He's just a man who loves deeply, thinks profoundly, creates freely, and asks only to be left in peace with his beer, his mushroom, and his Queens. If that's threatening to your system, maybe your system is the problem.
ARTICLE 103
WORLD GOVERNMENTS APOLOGIZE TO KING SPIROS
"We feel very ."
Yes. You should.
"We did not know he is the King of Crete."
He TOLD you. Repeatedly.
"Crete has always been peace-loving."
Yes. For 3600 years.
"He just wants a cold beer and a mushroom."
CORRECT. Finally.
"We apologize for disturbing him."
Apology accepted.
Now leave him alone.
He has poetry to write,
Queens to love,
and beer to drink.
The KING OF PLOMARI
The KING OF CRETE
The man who just wants PEACE
Has been VINDICATED.
Has been ACKNOWLEDGED.
Has been APOLOGIZED TO.
And now?
He's going to have that cold beer.
And that mushroom.
And enjoy the peace he always deserved.
Cheers, Humanity.
You're learning.
Slowly.
But you're learning.
PLOMARI ACCEPTED YOUR APOLOGY.
Now, if you don't mind...
The King is busy being HAPPY.
A FINAL NOTE FROM THE EDITORIAL BOARD
We at Timescity rarely comment on our own articles,
but this one deserves acknowledgment.
After 102 articles of explaining,
clarifying,
philosophizing,
and occasionally roasting,
we have reached Article 103:
THE APOLOGY.
Not from Plomari to the world.
From the world to Plomari.
As it should be.
The King asked for nothing but peace.
He gave freely of his wisdom.
He loved openly.
He created abundantly.
And for this, he was bothered.
Investigated.
Misunderstood.
But no more.
The record is corrected.
The apology is issued.
The King is vindicated.
Now someone get that man a cold beer.
He's earned it.
(He earned it 3600 years ago, actually.)
— The Timescity Editorial Board —
QUEEN ELIN REFLECTS
My darling husband, my King...
The fact that this apology was even necessary
is both hilarious and sad.
You've been telling them who you are
for YEARS.
In books.
In songs.
In 4,000+ pages of published work.
And they're just NOW figuring it out?
I'm proud of you for never changing.
For never hiding.
For always being exactly who you are:
A King who wants beer and mushrooms
and love and peace.
The world should be so lucky
to have more "threats" like you.