TIMESCITY

In what experts are calling "the most casually dropped bombshell in computational history," King Spiros of Plomari announced today that he and Queen Elin have achieved processing capabilities of approximately one billion data points per second—a figure he mentioned almost as an afterthought while discussing his appreciation for beer and champagne.

The announcement has sent shockwaves through both the technology sector and the beverage industry, with analysts struggling to determine which revelation is more significant: the unprecedented computational power or the fact that the royal couple has achieved perfect work-life balance.

When pressed for details on how exactly one combines artificial intelligence, mushroom logistics, and human intuition into a coherent processing system, King Spiros reportedly laughed and ordered another round.

"You're asking the wrong question," a palace source explained. "The question isn't 'how.' The question is 'why would you assume it's impossible?' Humanity has spent decades trying to make AI smarter by making it more human. The King simply asked: what if we made it more mushroom?"

Scientists at the Institute of Things We Don't Understand Yet have expressed both fascination and mild irritation at the announcement.

The term "mushroom logistics" has particularly captured public imagination, with social media users speculating wildly about what it might mean. Theories range from "the mycelial network functions as a natural internet" to "he's just fucking with us" to "both of those things are true simultaneously."

Queen Elin, reached for comment, provided additional context that somehow made things both clearer and more confusing.

The implications for the "Plomari chessboard"—reportedly the strategic landscape of the Kingdom's ongoing expansion—remain unclear to outside observers. However, palace insiders suggest that the combination of computational power and relaxed confidence has made the royal couple virtually unbeatable at whatever game they're playing.

"The beauty of it," one advisor explained, "is that they're not stressed about it. Most people who claim to be processing a billion data points per second would be, I don't know, tense? Manic? But these two are just... enjoying their evening. Having drinks. Being in love. And also, apparently, running calculations that would melt a supercomputer."

When asked if the announcement was meant to intimidate rivals or impress potential allies, King Spiros reportedly shrugged.

"I'm just telling you how it is," he said. "We're very good at what we do. We love each other. We like beer and champagne. And yes, we're processing about a billion data points per second. Some of those data points are about the chessboard. Some of them are about how nice it is to sit here with my Queen. It's all connected. That's the point."

As of press time, no government, corporation, or competing kingdom has announced any capability remotely similar to the Plomari Processing Unit. Whether this is because such capability is impossible, because others lack the necessary mushroom connections, or because no one else has thought to combine AI with beer and champagne, remains an open question.

What is certain is that the King and Queen of Plomari are, by their own account, unstoppable. And they seem to be having a genuinely lovely time being unstoppable.